Playdates with Twins

I am convinced that the only way to have successful playdates at home with twins is to have two friends over. A friend of mine who has older twin girls suggested this to me years ago...she even believes in it so much that while she was an expat in England, she bought a mini-van to haul 4+ kids around, even though vehicles as large as mini-vans are not that popular in England! I've resisted the two friend playdate for a long time, mostly because it's hard enough to coordinate a playdate with one friend, let alone trying to find a time that works for two friends at the same time. But, over the past couple of months, I've somehow been lucky enough to coordinate a bunch of two friend playdates, and they've worked really well!

Before two-friend playdates, one or the other of my girls was invariably left out. At which point, she would find her way to me and spend the rest of the day whining and complaining. I would suggest some techniques for getting her included again. Off she would go to try, and much yelling and slamming of doors and stomping of feet would follow. And a few minutes later, usually the same girl, but sometimes the other one, would be flying into my arms with yet another tale of woe. Not only did I feel bad for the friend who was getting stuck in the middle, my daughters weren't having a lot of fun, and I was unable to get anything done...way worse than when it's just the two of them home for the day. Is it a wonder that I would go months between playdates???

Interestingly, these same friends' parents report that if both of my girls are at their house (so still a group of three friends, total), these same type of arguments don't occur. My theory goes back to the same dominance issue I discussed earlier: at home, the girls see themselves as equally dominant and both want to be in control. At a friends' house, the friend is dominant, and they're willing to do what she wants. Or, play by themselves with all of her cool toys, as was often the case at our former neighbor's house! And, maybe, just maybe, a little bit of the manners lesson of "please behavior better when you're not at home than you do at home" has sunk in. I suspect it's the dominance issue or cool toys ideas that are the root, though!

With a 2 friend playdate, the four kids actually play! Almost always all 4 together, and all afternoon, or all day, or even all through a sleepover, without fighting! I'm not sure I understand it, because the same activities that one daughter absolutely can't abide by with one friend over are often the same activities that all 4 girls engage in willingly. Whatever the cause, it's wonderful! I definitely would not have had the time to learn about podcasting and take photos of artwork this afternoon if S & J hadn't had two friends over!

Parenting Twins: It is Different

Ever since my daughters were born, I've had experiences that highlighted for me that parenting twins IS different than parenting singleton siblings...even if those siblings are relatively close in age. Some of these experiences I was prepared for, because I read about them in a book that someone else was kind enough to write. And, many times, I've just had to shake my head in awe and wonder (or despair) as I've been totally unprepared. At these times, I've thought to myself: "I should write a book about parenting twins." Well, THAT's never happened...but maybe with the ability to blog, I'll at least have the chance to record my observations...maybe the book will come later.

And, then, sometimes I don't even know that what I'm experiencing as a parent of twins is unique! After all, my girls are my only kids, so I have absolutely nothing to compare it with. This past weekend, I got a glimpse of one of these unique situations: My daughters argue. I know you're thinking that this is not that unusual...all siblings argue, and parenting experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish have written an excellent book about helping make sure those arguments don't turn into life-long hatreds: Siblings Without Rivalry. I've always figured that my daughters' arguments were no different than any other sets of siblings. But, I realized this weekend, with the help of my college friend Amy's non-twin children, that the nature of my daughters' arguments are vastly different and more complicated for one simple reason: there is not an older one to be dominant just by virtue of being older. As I observed Amy's daughter and son have disagreements over the weekend, I was struck by the observation that when an argument of theirs reached an impasse, the younger child capitulated. And he was not a meek, shrinking violet child by nature; in fact, he struck me as having a healthy dose of stubbornness and persistence. He simply deferred to his older sister when it seemed that the argument had no place to go. He just knew his place in the family hierarchy: below that of his sister. When you know where you stand on the totem pole, you learn early on to pick your battles wisely! My twins don't have that out. S's 40 minutes on J aren't enough to give her the authority to be "the big sister". They are both equally dominant in their eyes, and that makes it all the harder for them to learn to resolve differences. I think they'll be better people for it when they're older, as they will have had to learn the tough conflict management skills like compromise and consensus. In the meantime, though, I'm feeling a little bit sad for all of us: the girls experience endless difficult conflicts of their own making every day without an easy out...and all of the grown ups in their lives constantly have to be on the ball to help teach them the skills they need to use to resolve them. It's exhausting for everyone involved! If nothing else, this weekend with Amy's kids gave me a little insight into why my house often seems like a non-stop escalating battleground. I'm still undecided about whether this insight will make this aspect of parenting easier or not. Stay tuned!